Christmas is over. and I feel numb.

tomorrow E is having a birthday gathering (or is it a shindig? I'm pretty sure it's not a hootenanny).
two days after that it’s New Years Eve.
after that I have no more plans. no idea what happens next. this whole year I’ve been living by the moment. but lets face it: it’s not my thing. it makes me a bit queasy and quite uneasy.
I don’t like it.
I need a plan.
I have a plan but I need a backup plan in case it doesn’t fall through and I need a plan to execute if/after my first plan is executed and over.
a real one.
marrying a cute American and stay abroad has been suggested but it is not a real plan.

just so you know.

our pretty Christmas Tree which I helped decorate

I was originally going to write about how I felt that the teachers at Ringsjö had lost the magic. the thrill of teaching. educating the brilliant young minds of our future. yada yada yada.
since then I've come to realize that these minds are not so much brilliant as diabolical.

this past week has been one of the worst in my life. the kids ignored everything I said and, among other things, buildt a fort out of the benches in the classroom. I couldn't even throw them out because they didn't listen to a thing I said. I've never felt so powerless before and I'm seriously questioning my capability to be a teacher. I know part of it is my own fault. I need to have more authority when I'm in the classroom.

maybe I will find some of the confidence I need in the US. I really hope so otherwise I'll be in for a rough ride.

guess I'm not going after all.
I just recieved an e-mail from a childcare reference where she said she couldn't do it.
and since this was the one thing I needed to complete my application I guess I'm done.
no au pair in the US for me.
I knew I shouldn't have started that packing list and looking forward to it as much as I did.
things don't always go the way you plan I got that right.
now I need to wallow and find a new dream. just so I can watch it get shot down too? no thanks. wallowing it is then. I'm just going to put on the music of pain (not country) Silverchair's Diorama.
see you in a decade or two when I'm done.

au pair.
that’s what I hope to be next year. and I’m writing hope because I don’t know if anyone will pick me. when it comes to things like these, important potentially life altering things I really wish for, I’m as pessimistic as a person can be. ~ the night before I found out I was accepted to Mah for the studies to become an English teacher I dreamt that I didn’t make it. when my mother called me the next day, I was in Kopasker in Iceland, I didn’t quite believe it at first ~ and despite the great character references I’ve got (still waiting for one ;) I keep thinking who would pick me when there are many other girls to pick from, girls who probably have much more experience of children than me.

but after meeting Lovisa yesterday, and of course the ever so lovely Allison, I’m much more confident. she was an au pair about two years ago, which is how she ended up with Allison, and she gave me some great advice. including shops I need to visit: Payless Shoes, TJ Max, Target and Mandee. and now I’m starting to think that maybe someone will pick me, but I still daren’t get my hopes up because I don’t want to be crushed if it doesn’t pan out

but lets face it. the packing list is starting to form in my head

I’ve just finished the cleaning of the century. at least for me. I cleaned with a ferocity my room has never known. It was quite fun to tell the truth. I found things I forgot I had.
including:
a root beer can from the Berlin trip in twelfth grade.
three copies of Black Beauty by Anna Sewell – all of which I’m keeping
an old Beatles calendar – unused
a large set of spillikins (*plockepin*) – I forgot how fun that is to play with 50 cm sticks
the lost eye of my hybrid teddy, a hippo with a pouch - hipporoo?
books which I borrowed from a friend about ten years ago
11.92 €
old photographs and attempted art work made by yours truly

and even though I didn’t keep all this stuff, but most of it, it was fun to see all the things I saved. it must have meant something to me at one point of my life. I hope that the next time I do this, in twenty years?, I won’t be so grownup that I only see crap, but all the treasure that lies within said crap.

oh. what about the things I thought I’d find but didn’t. where did that stuff go? fairies and tiny trolls maybe?

last week I was on the second on-campus session with my course and we did a thing called a freewrite. you have a limited period of time (we had five minutes) where you write anything that pops into your brain. Darius told us that this type of exercise is good when you’re stuck and even though 90% might be unusable there is always something which is worth pursuing. and when the time was up we had to find that part. we were then divided into eight groups and we had to make our bits and pieces into a whole thing. and I give you the result:

a moment of great disappointment
She was crushed, her life was over. These godawful speciments from an alien lifeform that she would never be able to understand. Her friends were trying to keep her mind off it. Why did he have to spend all his money on that stupid new car? When she had asked him about it, he had answered:

"I like to drive and have my own car, it makes me feel free".

Sad, isn't it?

I hope you can't tell which part is mine :)

it's been a while since I last updated this thingy. I know you’re all dying to know about what’s been going on these last weeks ; )

last week I discovered something truly amazing, it was at F&S and I could feel a strange lump on one of my thighs and there was one on the other too. weird. all of a sudden it dawned on me. I’ve actually got some live and active muscles in my thighs. who knew? and even better, yesterday they were still there. sometime life is amazing in my shallow little world. true, I won’t be able to flex them when I watching TV for the pure joy of them being there like I do with my upper arms but it’s still nice to know that they are there.
what else is there… oh yeah. one more thing to prove what a weirdo I can be at times. last Thursday my parents went to IKEA and bought a kitchen drawer. not very exiting maybe. but I’m a sucker for putting furniture together so we spent one a half hour, starting at nince pm, building the thing. fun fun fun.
to prove that I'm still me I'll tell you what happened yesterday. I had to turn in a written assignment for the Creative Writing course and true to my nature I started with it about three hours before it was due. it wasn’t a very big or important task, but I still wish that I could change the way I approach tasks like that. it’s not like I do much these days so I should find some time do them before deadline. I guess that I will try to improve on not only my writing skills but also my not-doing-things-last-minute skills.

let’s see how it works out, shall we.

every day - an adventure
or it could have been if we would've ignored the traffic lights and used the shortcut to get over one of Crete's most active streets.

our vacation started last week. with an anxiety attack. for some reason. the night before we left I couldn't sleep at all and all I could think about was how little I wanted to go and wouldn't it be nicer to stay home and focus on my next move. but once we were on the train to Kastrup's airport those feelings went away (thank God)

we arrived in Crete with very little sleep behind us and not sure what to expect from the hotel and it's location, the suburbs of Chania - which turned out to not be such a great thing.

the view from our balcony

the first few days nothing much happened, we found our local shop and the beach, we got royally bored with the restaurant at our hotel, we figured out how to get into the city and we swam in the pool. pretty much the boring charter life of a seventy something lady...

Monday morning we went to the supermarket and bought our tickets to the bus which would take us to Chania and our first sightseeing trip or maybe shopping trip, however you want to look at it. funny thing is, you don't have to wait at the bus stop; you just wave at the bus as it passes by and if the driver sees you he stops.

a very tired and warm dog, he was breating - we checked

Minoan Excavations in Chania

the Old Venetian Harbour

our next adventure wasn't until Wednesday when we, rather bravely, went up at six am to eat breakfast and hopefully get on the bus to Chania in time so we could catch the bus to Iraklion. and in Iraklion find another bus which would take us to Knossos, the Minoan palace. this trip lasted the whole day and we spent about eight hours travelling, one hour waiting for the guide to gather a large enough group and one hour looking admiringly at the old palace and imagining what it once looked like. a very productive day I must say.

The Moutains from the bus window on the ride to Iraklion

The sign to the entrance of the palace area
I do wonder why you are forbidden to bring your guitar with you

Knossos

View from the bus ride home

Thursday we spent at the beach and in the evening we went to our favourite restaurant which we found on Tuesday, our waiter greeted us with a smile and gave us water with the words "cold bottle water the life elixir of Crete". after dinner we were given a bottle of raki, one of the famous alcoholic beverages of Greece , and watermelon - we discovered that even if the booze was quite strong, you were ready for the next shot after a piece of watermelon. ~ we were given raki last time we ate there as well, only we didn't know what it was at the time. I thought it was water so I filled half my glass and took a mouthful of the liquid. boy, did my throat burn ~ anyway, after we had almost emptied the bottle of raki we went back to the hotel or rather the hotel bar where I ordered a glass of ouzo and let me tell you, that went straight to my head. I've never gotten that drunk that fast. dangerous stuff, especially when T could tape you at the time. which she did. so bad.

The restaurant where we drank our first raki

Friday morning I woke up with, what I believe to be, a sprained neck. I had to pay to my crimes from the other night I suppose. I quickly texted my mother begging for help to survive a day being the perfect tourist in Chania. after arriving in the city we didn’t get very far until I spotted one of my greatest weaknesses. shoes. more specifically. shoes on sale. needless to say I spent my last euros on those shoes. I could hardly feel the pain in my neck while shoe shopping. who says money can’t buy happiness

the perfect ending to the vacation

on the bus from the airport to the plane I even found the most adorable guy who I flirted shamelessly with. to bad he was in his pram and about one year old…

I’ve been thinking quite a lot about the school thing.
let’s face it. it’s soon time for me to make a decision: will I go back or not? after a lot of contemplating (and I do mean a lot!) I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not quite ready yet.

here's how I see it: as a teacher you should know a thing or two about life and the students should be able to ask advice from someone with a wee bit of wisdom and knowledge (still not talking about Buffy trivia). and I don’t have it!
I guess we all grow up at different paces and I suppose I’m a slow grower. I might be mature enough to work at an old folks home but I’m definitely not ready to help raise the future citizens of our world. and trying to guide them when I don’t know where to go. not such a good idea. sure, I’ve got three more years until I’m finished but I don’t think that’s enough time for me. I'm going to wait at least one more year ‘til I go back, maybe even two.

I do know I want to be a teacher one day. I just need to know who I am before I can try to help other people to find their way. I’m still a bit lost, but not in a identity-crisis-panicky sort of way (thank God) but more in the sort of way where I know where I’m headed and I just need to find the right path.

if that makes any sense…

the trip is booked and paid for. the adventure awaits.

the train towards Kastrup leaves at 4.22 a.m. on August 18 with me and T on it (can’t say I’m too pleased with such an early morning, but hey it means that we’ll reach our destination before noon)

Theo's Village (our hotel)

it’s been awhile since my last trip and then I went alone. Kastrup was just a huge lonely place with tons of strangers walking around. this time will be different. a whole new experience. going abroad with one of my best friends.

Kato Daratso (where our hotel is located)

we decided we wanted to go somewhere warm with lots of sun, culture, nice food and cute boys (last bit applies to me since T is taken these days) and the natural choice was Greece. T opted for Crete and I obliged even though I’ve been there once before. we’re even staying near the same city, Chaina, but I expect it to be quite different this time seeing as last time was about 10 years ago.

so the next few weeks I’ll be working and checking off the list I wrote with things to do before we leave. among other tings; packing and are three pairs of shoes, apart from the pair I’ll be travelling in, enough for one week?

sometimes I get weird impulses. an idea pops into my head and it sounds fantastic in the moment. but later: not so much. usually when I get one of these impulses I find it hard to let go until I’ve tried it out. the “incident” which took place last week was a direct result of this.

I was meeting T in Malmö and it was a nice day, the sun was shining, the birds were singing and I’d just bought a new pair of shoes. as we were walking from the Triangle I said “it’s a nice day, why don’t we rent a paddleboat?” (something I've wanted to do for quite some time) with no clue what’s in store for her T says yes and we make our way to the canal and rent a boat for an hour and a half. we then decide to paddle towards the library. as we float along we spot cute guys, even cuter ducklings and, after passing a bridge in the making, a bike. a bike which is half way down in the water. naturally (did you really expect anything else?) I want to check it out and we do. next thing you know we’ve decided to save the poor bike from the horrible fate of drowning. T jumps over to land and pulls it up while I try to hold the boat steady ashore. not the easiest thing to do when you’re laughing and photographing at the same time.


voila. she succeeds and climbs back into the boat where we decide to ask the police what we should do with our new friend. but first is first and we have about an hour left of paddling to do. so we paddle along enjoying the weather and the calmness that floating on water creates. we return the boat to the renters and start to think about what to do next. eat or go to the police? I voted for the police/bike combo. so that’s what we do.
when we arrive at the bike we realise that where we successfully pulled the bike up, was actually a construction site. which creates a new problem. are we allowed to go in there to get the bike? after spending about 30 minutes on the phone we’re told to take the bike to the station at Davidshall. so we did. to bad the station wasn’t open. T spends another 40 minutes on the phone, trying to find someone who will take the bike from us.
at last the station on Drottninggatan agrees to take the bike mainly because no one else will. so we walk and walk and walk (you see where I’m going with this, right?) and walk some more. hungry and tired we arrive and finally the bike is gone. and we completed our mission: doing what we can to return the bike to it’s rightful owner.

what started out as an adventure, with an act of humanity in the middle, ended with a question. is it worth trying to be a good citizen when it’s obviously not encouraged by the community we live in? should it be this hard and time consuming, about 2hrs, to drop of a found, possibly stolen, object to the police? I don't know. I just hope that if my bike gets stolen (again) and someone finds it that they will take the time to turn it over to the police (again).

btw I was accepted to the Creative Writing course in the fall. mah here I come. again =)

I’m going to take a wild guess and assume that no one living in Skåne or in Sweden has missed the constant raining this week. it’s been so bad that the basement at my job got flooded. at one point the water was over one meter high and our boss was talking about possibly evacuating the old folks living at the home. she also sent someone to buy flashlights in case the power went out.

the basement is, when it’s not filled with water, where we have our locker room, the storage room and the tanning bed (which I’ve never used btw). when I went down to check on it the first time, the water was still clean and even if it was a bit strange to wade around in 20 cm high water to get my clothes, lucky I did since no one was allowed down there later because of the risk of getting electrocuted , it was kinda neat. a new experience. naturally I managed to get wet despite the rubber boots I was wearing.
the second time I went down there the water was all dirty and funky looking and, I know this will make me sound like a total dork, but it felt a bit like a scene from a catastrophe-type-of-movie, water coming in everywhere, no one really knowing what was going on, the boss freaking out and calling pretty much everyone who could help (the firemen, a few plumbing companies, her boss) and of course the pump outside trying to remove the water.

I know I shouldn’t make a big deal or complain about all the things which got ruined (quite a few people got their things destroyed in the lockers and what if we run out of diapers) since it’s so much worse on other places. but I tend to be somewhat self absorbed and this is the first time something like this has affected me personally, guess I can’t ever say that again, so it’s a milestone. a weird one but still a milestone.
I can’t wait to get to work tomorrow to see how it looks.

yesterday at work I forgot something, something which was really very important and it was right under my nose. or rather in front of my eyes
I won’t write what it was I forgot since I’m pretty sure that might be breaking a law of some sort. you’ll just have to take my word for the importance of the incident.

the part I forgot could easily have been quite dangerous to one of the residents of the old-folks home, luckily it wasn’t, but just the mere thought of the possible consequences still makes me feel queasy. I spent most part of yesterday afternoon trying to figure out how it could have happened and I couldn’t think of one single explanation.
coming to work today and having to write a report about the incident with no legitimate excuse for my actions made it even worse, if something might have happened that morning which hade made me distracted then sure. ok. it might be understandable. but no. I just have myself to blame. me and my absent-mindedness. which pretty much made me dread coming to work today.

it makes me wonder that if I miss something as important as this, what else am I missing? am I responsible enough for this type of work? or to drive a car? and what if I one day become a teacher, will I be responsible enough to be trusted with the students? this incident has shaken my confidence in so many ways. and maybe it should, if it would be easy for me to brush it off it probably wouldn’t do me any good, right? I wouldn’t learn anything from it and just repeat it next week. which I swear I wont.
after I wrote the, in lack of a better word, discrepancy report R told me that he had done it at least twenty times and that made me feel quite a bit better, but am I entitled to that??

the day before yesterday the sweetest thing happened. I got a cat named after me. not a live one of course but one made of wool, soft fabric and thread.

how and why it happened was partly because of my "charming" personality and partly because of the lady’s quirkiness. anyways, let’s move on with this fascinating tale. right now at my work at the old folks home there’s this really cool old lady who I get really well along with. I love to stop by and chat every now and then when I’m bored and there’s nothing else to do. we get along so well that last week when I was in her room waiting for one of my co-workers she, my co-worker, thought it was her, the quirky lady’s, daughter who was visiting because of our yakking.
I guess I’m not so professional when I’m around this particular person but I don’t think either of us really sees that as an issue since we get along so well.
so this Monday when I got to work and went in to say “good morning” I noticed that she had a new animal in her bed, a really cute cat. naturally I asked her what she was going to call it. turns out she named it after me, and after I was done blushing and feeling stupid I saw the sweetness in the gesture. apparently she enjoys our chatters as much as I do. and that’s always nice to know.

and since neither of us will back down at the sight of a discussion we started to talk about whether it was a girl cat or not. needless to say I wouldn’t back down on my notion that if the cat was to be named Fanny it needed to be a girl. and after a tiny bit of persuading she agreed.

on Sunday it all starts. the rest of my summer or at least ‘til 12th August, will be according to a schedule. true there will be some days off. days which I hopefully will spend in the company of good friends, either the ones in this reality or in the fictional one :)

there has been a request for me to update more often, sure it was only one from F who needed something to do when she was bored (but still), and I would love to do that. but truth be told I wouldn’t know what to write. sadly there are very few things going on in my life right now, I work every now and then and I’ve become addicted to old seasons of Americas Next Top Model (hey, I’m allowed one guilty pleasure). but besides that all the thoughts in my head would materialize into some strange ranting about shoes, bugs and the bruises which mysteriously appears on my legs. or I would maybe write a piece on why it’s hard being a tea-addict in the summer, FYI the tea makes you sweat like crazy as if the heat from outside isn’t enough.

let me know if you want me to write about these things, if you’ll be able to read about them and not be bored to tears. in that case there’s a possibility that I will do just that. actually I might write some of my thoughts here anyways. if nothing else to let you know I’m still here and me. no matter how adult and reliable I need to be at work I’m still the same girl who did “vårskuttet” over the stream many moons ago.
why don’t we reinstate that old forgotten once semi-tradition next time we’re out walking F?

when I got home Sunday evening, not in the best mood since I missed the bus by a minute and therefore missed my train and wasn’t home until 9.45, there was a present waiting for me. a nice looking one. wrapped in a shiny gold paper with a blue bow on top.

my first thought was "why is there a gift for me on the stairs? I haven’t done anything special to deserve it" closely followed by "there’s something fishy about this". I found out that the gift was from my mom and I got even more suspicious. turns out that it was a two-in-one kind of gift. something useful and a profound gibe all wrapped in one innocent looking book called “Gör det nu!”
to tell the truth I’m the queen of the procrastinators. if I can put something on hold I will and I will also give a fairly reasonable reason as for why I’m doing it. if it’s because of work, my stomach or simply my very selective memory.

remember the list I wrote in the beginning of this blog, the January 21st one, I can pretty much assure you that none of those things have been properly done. sure, I had the best intentions and really meant to do all of it. for the last few months I even had a good reason not to. I was working and enjoyed just being lazy when I was off work. but now I don’t have that anymore. I’m just plain lazy. or rather in a bad pattern. this book will help me figure out which one it is and what to do about it. wouldn’t it be nice to be rid of those panicky nights before a big exam (I even threw up once), knowing that I had studied enough and not just a last minute cramming session which I tended to do. I swore that I would change my ways every time, but then it wouldn’t be a pattern I guess. naturally I don’t expect a miracle just because I’m reading a book or that it will solve all my issues associated with this matter. but hopefully it will put me on the right path and give me some insight and the much needed shove.

staying true to the art of procrastination, I even put writing this off. I couldn’t find the cord to the camera. did it occur to me to clean my room and look for it? no. it took me three days to stumble upon it and just as many to finish this text.

things have changed on the job front. and it’s actually a tiny bit confusing. at least for my brain. but then again, that might have more to do with my easily confused brain than with the job situation.

the confusion started when I got a new name-tag. why a new name-tag and how can she possibly be confused about it, you’re probably wondering (or not). I got a name-tag with my name engraved in it and I have no idea why I got it since I’m partly out of a job now. who gets an engraved name-tag just to be a weekend extra starting the following week? and what about the keys and the locker? am I supposed to return those, or should I keep them since I’ll need them this summer… no one tells me these things. is there some unspoken rule about things like these that I just don’t know about? I don’t want to ask cause that would really make me feel stupid. or at least more stupid than I already feel.
anyways from now on I’ll be working every second weekend and if someone calls in sick and they need me. the sad part about this though is that even if I want to, I might not be able to decline when they call. mainly since I already have done that three times. I was supposed to work next weekend, but because I’ve had plans for that Saturday since forever I had to say “sorry, I can’t work that day, but I’ll be there on Sunday. I swear”. or something close to it.
not to worry C, I wouldn’t miss the party for anything. my costume is finally done =)

so just to warn all of you wonderful people out there. if we make plans I may have to change them in the blink of an eye (weird expression). not because I don’t want to see you, but because I really need some sort of extra income before 28th of May.

yes I am that materialistic. deal with it.

for once in my life I actually believe in love at first sight. since that’s what happened. ok, so maybe it wasn’t at first sight but rather somewhere between the second and third. but still…

yesterday I met L. for the first time since her pregnancy. since she’s not pregnant anymore that also meant meeting a certain someone. A. we bonded while her mother glued stuff to a scrapbook-kind-of-looking-art-thingy.
thing is this whole head-over-heals-falling-for-part took me completely by surprise. I didn’t know I was a baby-person. cute, sure. and noisy, check. but walking around with one of them ‘til my arms felt like falling of so she wouldn’t cry and not minding it one bit. no sir. not me.
and that’s what I did. and by doing this I once again proved how naïve I really am. and how little I know about myself. pathetic really.

the one light in the endless tunnel of this year is that it seems that I really am on some kind of path to self-discovery and that I will learn a lot. if I choose to embrace it or just shrug it of is a whole other story. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see =)

the other week I picked up a copy of Utbildningskatalogen 07/08. I don’t really know why I did it - peer pressure from T who was with me or just a habit?

anyway, for some reason I took a look in it recently, to see if there was anything interesting or maybe I was bored.... what I actually did find surprised me. two very intriguing courses which start in the fall. Children’s Literature in a Global Perspective – basically about the children’s literature, the development with a global perspective. and Creative Writing – is an intro to imaginative writing which emphasizes on self-expression, language development and the craft.
not only does these courses seem quite fun but there’s also another perk. I can take one or both of them and still work since they’re part-time courses scheduled on evenings or on-line workshops.

I didn’t think I would want to go back to school again for awhile but I guess it’s about finding something that excites you. which frankly for me isn’t grammar – but I do like children’s books and apparently writing =)

so I will apply for these courses and after that we’ll see what happens. like I always say: whatever happens happens

what if you were to meet a genie and he (or she) gave you three wishes. would you be the type of person who asks for three more wishes or maybe the one who wishes for world peace?
sadly I wouldn’t be the latter one, but on the other hand I wouldn’t be the first one either – so I can’t be all bad, can I?

my first wish would be bravery. I would like to be brave enough to walk in the forest at night. to stand up for myself and others. to take a chance every now and then. to get on a train to the airport and get on a randomly picked plane and see where I would end up.
my second wish would be to be really good at something, to have a talent of some sort. I don’t know exactly what it would be but something other than being the master of Buffy the Vampire Slayer trivia and being able to act out Dirty Dancing with most of the script correctly quoted. sure I’m good at being silly – but seriously, what good can come of that? I would want something more substantial, something that would be useful and maybe not a talent rather than a quality. like being really good at remembering names, or being very nice or knowing what to do or say in weird situations (being less Chandler-like when it comes to social situations and jokes).
as for my third wish. I would save it. before you know it or sometime far in the future something might happen when it would be needed.
actually on second thought. I would use it. I would wish that people in general would become more aware.
aware of the environmental issues – do we want to look for another planet to live on? cause that’s were we’re headed. by cutting down the rainforest we’re not only destroying on of the most important and fascinating type of natures we have on Earth, we’re also wiping out the natural habitat to thousands of bugs and other creatures. which brings me to my next point:
aware of what we’re doing to the animal life – save the gorillas and pandas anyone? or maybe a tiger?
aware of what horrible things some children have to go through – things they shouldn’t even know existed.

I could probably add lots of other issues to this wish, but you have to stop somewhere. I would, however, extend my wish and apart from awareness I would want people to wake up and act. on behalf of the environment, the wildlife and (maybe most important) the children. our future.
let’s face it: it can’t be that hard, it shouldn’t be that hard.
(I think that one of the main attractions to the teacher gig for me was that, if I was lucky, I would be able to make a difference in someone’s life. be there if a kid/student needed me.)
truth is it’s not that hard to make a difference in someone’s life. it doesn’t have to be a life changing difference rather than something which improves their day. smile to a stranger, help an old lady of the bus or buy Aluma.
whatever it is I’m sure it will be appreciated. a very heart warming (without being too mushy) book on the topic is Pay it forward by Catherine Ryan Hyde.

wow. look at me. completely of topic. this wasn’t going to be about saving the world from all things evil (mankind). it was supposed to be about my shallow wishes if I’m ever lucky enough to meet a genie (do I get a flying mat or was that just for Aladdin?)
I guess I’m starting to grow up – taking my first steps to becoming an aware adult. I suppose that happens to everyone sooner or later, I just didn’t expect it so soon...

has anyone seen my krumelur-pills?

a minor comment to my last post:

if I’ve caused the two of you to feel the tiniest bit guilty – I’m sorry. that wasn’t my intention. I guess I was stuck in Denial-land and reality just hit me. hard. on the head. with a huge wooden stick. to say the least I didn’t like it, at all.
I do want to hear about what happens to you in school, just not yet. maybe in a few weeks. It obviously feels to crappy right now. I think the same thing goes for gatherings with the rest of the group. I need a chance to move out of my castle in Denial-land and build a nice little hut with a swing in the garden in Acceptanceville.

and that may take some time since I like it rather much in my castle with all my nice furniture and the wonderful view.

today the musketeers were reunited.

we met at C’s and it almost felt like old times… almost.
the gals were talking about class and the workload and even if I didn’t want to, I felt left out. and I hated it. my mind drifted back to the last semester when I would have gotten into the conversation, complaining about F, laughing at the anecdotes - having witnessed them firsthand, talking about the homework. I don’t mean to be all bitter but I am.
right now I am.
I might not always have been so motivated to go to school early in the morning, but at least I got to hang out with two of my best friends all day. but now the funniest person, the one I connect most with – who allows me to be the goofy me, if only for a few minutes – is an old lady, a very sweet, giggly old lady. who I adore. but it’s not enough. I need to be me more than a few minutes every now and then.
and I wonder if I’ll ever find a workplace where I will have as much fun with my co-workers as I do with my friends.

it will probably be forgotten ‘til next time we meet but right now I’m bitter. bitter at my choice, even if I know it was the one I needed to make – not that I will admit it right now, but anyway. bitter at my heart, who refuses to listen to reason when my mind tries to tell it to ignore the irrational feelings of alienation and loss. bitter at my new job, where (sure they are nice people but) there is no one I can laugh with, be silly with, be me.
and I miss that. and what’s worse (I really am a bitca) the girls still have it. they have each other and all the silliness.

I miss it. and today I realized how much.

I’m a name-tag person.

and unlike Cordelia in the Buffy episode - I like it. it makes me feel like it’s more real. like I’m really part of the “crew”. ridiculous right? a small plastic item makes me feel more comfortable at a workplace and if you add a locker with a key to the mix it’s a match made in heaven :) but despite these wonders, after only four days I’ve come to realize, and this might seem truly boring, that I’m a nine-to-five-mainly-weekdays type of gal.
don’t get me wrong. I’m starting to fall for the people who lives at my work and there are a lot of fun conversations with them. I also like the other people working there. it’s just that when you have a weird schedule, when will you have time for all the other things in your life? not that I have that much of a life, but when I get one it would be nice to have time and energy for it =)

to tell you the truth I already miss the little brats, knowing that even if one lesson is shitty the next one probably won’t stink as much. I miss discussing school issues – hats vs. no hats, grades, parent/child issues, what the new government will mean for the teaching business, and the latest thing – are teachers allowed to confiscate the students cellphones, mp3s/iPods and other items which can disturb the lesson, such as knifes? (it’s ridiculous – if one of the students had a knife of course you can take it. do we need a new law for that?)
I miss having these discussions, being around the English language and other persons who loves it as much as I do. ~ it sounds insane, but come to think about it, it is quite possible that the English language is the love of my life. just a thought. don’t read to much into it ~

anyways what I don’t miss is studying. maybe that is/was the problem. all I’ve ever done is going to school. trying to be a good student (and failing miserably when I wasn’t interested in the subject) I’m tired of going to school, not of being there, the environment. I like to read essays and correct them.

I just don’t want to write the papers myself.

so. I got a job.
partly as a weekend worker. partly as a sub. I will have the sub gig (can you say gig about a job? according to Longman a gig is, among other things: AmE informal a job, especially one that does not last for a long time so yeah I guess you can) until, at least, Feb 4th. but it sounded like, if I didn’t completely misinterpret, I could work there until the summer.
we’ll see.
I called the boss lady yesterday and when I told her I could do the job she asked me: but do you want it?
do I want it? yes and no. the part of med who needs the money and interaction with other people says: of course you should take this job, you need this job. but then there is the part of me who says: no! are you crazy? getting up at 4 am to be at work by seven. having days which last six hours when they feel like twelve. doing the same thing all day, every day. (maybe I need to work on positive thinking – but I believe that right now it’s my tired head who complaints)
I forgot one thing on the yes side: I like old people. a few years ago I was at a home for old people, much like this but in Höör, and one night I ended up sitting and talking with one of the women who lived there. we talked for at least one hour about everything between lice to murderers, and I enjoyed it so much I even forgot to go home. I think I sat there at least fifteen minutes after my shift had ended.

so, sure the hours may be shitty and there are a lot of boring parts (but gimme one job who hasn’t got those) but in the end it is those small moments you have to hold out for. and I guess those will be more and more frequent the longer you are in one place and the better you know your co-workers and the people who live there.

btw what’s wrong with Eddings? one of the dudes who worked at Segevång didn’t like his novels very much and since it was time for me to go home I didn’t have time to further investigate the matter (fancy words there). perhaps he’s working this weekend so I can ask him then.
yay! I have a non-work-related mission :o)

since I’m writing about the progress of my life I had to write another post today. right now you’re thinking something like: what can happen in less than two hours which is so important that she wastes time writing about it?

am I right?

to answer that question: I got a phone call. from Segevångsgården where I worked this summer. sure she meant to call someone else. but I took advantage of the situation and told her about my break from school. and, here’s the good part, she wondered if I could work as a weekend extra, every second weekend to start with. approximately seven hours a day. which will result in some much needed interaction with other human beings and more importantly (I sound like a horrible person, I know) some cash. if I behave I might even get to be an hour-substitute. sounds weird in English but I don’t have a better word for it.

anyways, my point is that I’m starting to believe that everything happens for a reason and that things will work themselves out. with a little help from whatever greater power there is out there.

and yourself.

so what now? as of tomorrow I’m officially unemployed, not by my own choice, sort of, but still it means that my life lacks structure and goals. since I’m the girl who freaks out when I don’t know my next move or where my life is headed, pathetic I know, I’ve written a list of smaller goals. goals which I will achieve as part of the ultimate goal. wow, that sounded serious. so, well the list is as follows (drum-roll please), I will :

• clean my room thoroughly
• look for a job
• exercise more, maybe start to run or since I don’t like running, at least walk more often
• travel, as soon as I get some kind of income
• read all those novels I been wanting to read forever but haven’t got around to yet
• catch up on my e-mailing - I’m way behind
• spend more time with my friends
• knit the sweater which has been on hold since October
• move out of the house - when I have a steady income I will start looking for an apartment
  

I know some of these goals are a bit… I think corny is the right word, but still, it needs to be done. this leads me to the ultimate goal… and the ultimate goal (I love the how it sounds ;) is to figure out what I want to do with my life for the next five years. become more independent. after that, if needed, I will have another freak-out.


lets all have our finger crossed that it won’t happen.

To those very special gals. you lighted up my day in school.
I thought I was lucky the first semester when I met two persons who I connected with, but this last year has been even more amazing. partly because I got to study my all-time favourite subject but for the most time it was because of you. sounds really cheesy and mushy I know, but right now I’m having a case of severe separation anxiety. we will see each other again of course. but it will never be quite the same. maybe that’s a good thing. who knows. all I know right now is that I will miss you terribly. and I hope you will have fun without me (but not to much)
love ya

and just so you know, if you are reading this, I will count on you to tell me all the gossip and to keep up the good work as the proud musketeers I know you are :o)

always remember: no pulling of the pants. no pinching of the butt.

Tabula Rasa or something like it.

Well. Here I am. writing. in English. which isn't even my mother tongue. weird.

Why am I doing this you might ask? I'm not one of those natural writers. what I have to say or write won't be anything profound or deep - it's just not who I am. my mind is a mess most of the time. I will see this as an attempt to untangle some of it.

writing thoughts down makes them more real - more concrete. if I printed this page I could even touch my thoughts, at least I think so - but that’s a whole other discussion. I’m loosing my point here.

I have recently decided to take a break from my studies towards becoming an English teacher which is one of the reasons I’m writing this in English. this decision is so recent I have not even told my friends yet. but I will. the way I see it I have one year or at least until October 15th to decide if I wish to become a teacher. I will use this blog as my journal this year – to share my thoughts with who ever will come across this page – strangers, my friends and myself. so that when I have to make a decision I will be able to look back and see if I got somewhere. and if so how I got there. to think rationally, and carefully evaluate what will happen. something I’m not very good at. wow this sounds serious.

the big question right now (and it’s a scary one) is: what will I do this year?