I'm a screw up.
I tend to stick my head in the sand and not think about the things I should be thinking about and I always pay for it afterwards. funny this is I've been doing this for as long as I can remember and I still haven't learned from it. now that really makes you wonder what's wrong with me...

one of the bigger messes I've made is my education. at the time I didn't care, but now I do and I've decided to do something about that. or as it is, last week I decided and started e-mailing and checking who I need to talk with.
this is where another one of my bigger issues come in. I'm really good at making spur of the moment decisions and those I tend to follow through (no matter how stupid they are). if, however, I have time to think about it I get scared and the 'what ifs' have time to form in my head.
last Friday I knew who I needed to talk with and I was supposed to call her on Monday but when Monday came I decided to call her on Tuesday. on Tuesday time just flew away from me which meant calling on Wednesday and now I’m sitting here wondering where the heck the week went. *poof*

I need to find my spot and feel like I belong in this world again. I’ve been avoiding that for the past 16 months in Seattle, great months, wonderful experiences, but my motivation for going wasn’t all that noble.
but there will be no more avoiding and hiding.
tomorrow morning I'm calling the school and I'll do whatever I can to make things right.
I just hope I still have a shot at fixing it.

I’ve been home for almost two weeks now and as much as I like being back, it just doesn’t feel like home anymore. part of it could be the fact that I don’t have my own room anymore ~ I have my bed and dresser in the TV room upstairs ~

part of it is because I miss the kiddos like crazy, I thought I would enjoy the peace – but peace is pretty boring when you have too much of it.
they were so cute when I left. Kyle admitted that he would miss me and gave me a hug (getting that from a ten year old boy is like winning a medal in the Olympics). Bridget hugged me tight and told me to pay the car and stay with her instead.
need I say that it felt like crap leaving them? I truly hope I’ll stay in contact with them and will visit in a few years even though, as Bridget pointed out, they’ll be big by then.

and then there’s the part of me that misses Seattle and everybody there, I really thought I was done with it. you know, accepting the fact that I can’t be there and putting it behind me yada yada yada.
I thought I was over it but now it’s back again. I talked with Aimee yesterday, she’s back in Redmond after her vacation and hearing what’s going on with her and the group was great. she did tell me something which started the whole thought cycle over again. apparently Aimee and Tania had asked the boy how he was so ok hanging out with me when he knew I was leaving so soon and he told them: if you see a beautiful flower, then you will still pick it and watch it even though you know it will soon go away.
that just made me smile and the fact that he would tell them that made me quite gooey. he is so good with words and it really made me miss the whole group which in turn made my heart hurt a bit.
and since I don’t want to be one of those girls who bore her friends with confusing details about boys this will be the last you hear about it. I’ll mull it over it in my head until I’m over it and hope that one day I will find an equally sweet boy who’s hopefully as good with words.
I have one important criterion though: he needs to live on the same continent as me.