I'll be home in a week.

home.

for me that's a weird concept to grasp at the moment.

it's been forever ~ if forever translates into one year, four months and five days ~

and I know for sure that as soon as the new feelings are settled and I've gotten used to it again Sweden will drive me crazy and I will wonder "why didn't I stay in the US?"

then the voice of reason will pop in and say "cause you couldn't stay in the US. being an au pair drove you nuts, remember?"

and as much as I will miss it over here, I really won't miss the au pair bit of it. I will miss the kiddos and all the fun stuff we did together for sure. but dealing with cranky kids who aren't mine and always having to ask if it's ok to go out and meet my friends. not so much.

coming over here was great. I had total freedom to be whom ever I wanted to be. and I have been. a bunch of the change has happened gradually and some stuff landed *smack* *bam* in the middle of my face (not literally)

I have done some things I would never in a million years think I'd do and I've enjoyed it surprisingly much.

to name a few:

I went over here with my crazy stomach and I've dealt with it surprisingly well.

I’ve spent an entire evening in a short black dress, wearing 4” heels and pink bunny ears.

I decided to spend $700 to go to Las Vegas just a few short weeks before it was time.

when Sophie (one of my favourite Aussies) called me a whore it didn’t bother me – coming from her it’s an endearment.

I’ve found a new favourite sport, martial arts is the way to go and I’m looking forward to finding that at home.

I faced one of my biggest fears and took an acting class. the big surprise is that I really enjoyed it and didn’t mind playing Hamlet. a bunch of the exercises we did helped me become more comfortable with myself and I needed that.

I had a wonderful time camping - even though parts of it were stupid like you wouldn't believe.

the internal changes are there as well and I will do my best to keep them since they're good things.

I was insanely scared that I wouldn't find any friends here and that I would be stuck alone in the house all year which thankfully was not the case. I've made friendships which I hope will last the rest of my life.

I'm more confident and secure in my own skin and that's a nice feeling.

I might not end up as the crazy cat lady after all. and that's good to know ~ especially since cats scare me ~

so wow.

what a year (four months and five days) it has been.

would I do it again?

never.

but I wouldn't take it back either. no matter how shitty I've felt at times this has still been a great year with great experiences and I'm so happy I went through with it.

I'm on to my next adventure: trying to figure out how to be a normal Swedish girl again and it might not be as exciting as this year but that doesn't mean I won't do my best to enjoy it...

I suck!
what is wrong with me that I meet a guy I could quite possibly really like when I have to leave in two weeks. I don’t want to like him, but I can’t really help it at this point.

I met him while we were camping in Mora outside of Forks. yesterday night we met up again and went to Alki beach and watched the sunset and talked and it wasn’t awkward or anything, much to my relief. when he called today he said that he’d had a really bad day but he kept thinking about last night and considering I thought about it quite a bit today I’m so screwed.

I’m not made of stone, but where the hell did all my cynicism go? Where that person who thinks talk about stars is cheesy? who would rather die than go all gooey when he asked about my cold feet?
Where is miss Cynicism to remind me that he’s only in it for one thing like most navy guys are?

I need to stop this now otherwise I’m gonna get hurt, but I don’t want to. it feels good that, for once, someone sees me and not one of my gorgeous, smart, confident friends.

I’m slowly driving myself crazy and I know it.