I think my computer is really truly dead this time.
there has been times in the past when I thought it was gone, but it's always come back to the land of the living ~ how alive a computer really is can be discussed ~
but I think this is it, I'll let her (sometimes I think about it as Shirley - silly name, but for some reason it fits my computer) rest the whole weekend and then we'll see what happens. if it is dead I must say I'm happy it chose now, just a few months ago I got an external hard drive for all my important pictures and things to be safely stored on.

and this could be a blessing in disguise. esp when you think of all the time I used to spend on the computer which now is free. hours and hours to spend however I want.
reading ~ I have at least five books I want to read including Nineteen Minutes
being creative ~ I started writing a story about the Feeties which I should finish and send to B for Christmas. I want to draw more, I should draw more so I don't loose whatever little I learned in art class. I still rock at drawing wine bottles btw :)
sleeping ~ I might actually be able to go to bed at a decent hour.

but despite all the amazing things that might come out of a dead computer I'll still miss her. she was my companion and my link to my other world when I was in WA.
and for that I'll always love her...

I guess it’s time to face the truth. fall is here and there is no escape.

some good things come with fall:
I finally get to wear my pretty boots
I no longer feel the need to wear shorts which in turn means I get to cover my, usually, usually bruised legs
the good TV-shows are back. I’ve missed you Greek, Grey’s Anatomy and ANTM
nobody blames you for curling up on the couch under a blanket watching said shows.
and even though I love being barefoot, it feels pretty good to put on a pair of thick socks

at least until you discover the big holes in them…

yesterday I mentioned to F that I miss writing and that I want to keep doing it, only thing is I need something or someone to push me a bit. also what's the point of writing if nobody reads it, except if it's a diary or something to that end.
so my sweet F suggested that I should keep writing and post my stories here. and it's not a bad idea. I kind of like it to tell the truth.

I'll post some of the things I wrote for my writing class and whenever I write something else which is half decent.
the first assignment we got was to write about a day at work and here it is:

A Day at Work

My alarm rings and I turn it off. It would be so easy to just fall back asleep. And for two minutes I seriously consider going back to dreamland. But like every morning the better part of me wins and I get up. The good thing about working where I live is that at least I don’t have to get out of my jammies for my first shift – if you can call it that. All I need to do is get up, put my contacts in, pull my hair into a pony tail and go down the stairs.

As I make my way into the kitchen I wonder if this will be a good day. A day when both Bridget and Kyle, the kids I’m looking after, are sitting by the table, dressed and ready for breakfast and it is only seven am – I kid you not, it has happened. Or maybe this will be one of those days when the kids don’t want to get up and Bridget is grump. I’m still not fluent in grumpiness even though I’ve been here for over a year now. I know the difference between a clone and a storm trooper but I can’t for the life of me figure out if nnyhmhhmemiieee means one piece of toast or Lucky Charms without milk. Getting a “please” or a “thank you” on those mornings are just as likely as Johnny Depp appearing in the doorway.

As it turns out Bridget is sitting by the kitchen table ready for breakfast. Her choice of the day is Cheerios with milk and Cran-Grape juice to drink. Kyle is usually the hard one to get up in the morning, which is why I tend to leave that task to his parents. Before Bridget starts to eat she demands the comics and since she is the queen of this house she can’t be bothered to touch the newsprint so it’s up to me to fold it right. I guess I have myself to blame, I am the one who got the kids to discover Pickles, Baby Blues, Get Fuzzy and all the other good stuff.

While Bridget is eating and we’re waiting for her brother, I pack their lunches. Some days they get hot lunch in school and others, like today, I pack it. To mix it up a bit I try to give them different snacks with their sandwiches but it all depends on what is left in the cabinets. When their lunches are in their backpacks I start to unload the dishwasher and finally I hear the shower starting upstairs. Once I’m done with the clean dishes and have put the dirty ones in, I start to listen more carefully for sounds from upstairs. How far along is Kyle? Still in the shower or is he getting dressed? Bridget has finished her cereal and now comes my least favorite part of the morning. For the last few weeks she has had headaches every day and when my host mom took Bridget to the doctor they found out she had a sinus infection and she has to take medicine to get rid of it. She hates it and it takes her ten minutes to swallow five ml while whining loudly about it.

Kyle still isn’t down and if they want to get to school on time they need to leave in ten minutes. At this point there is only one thing to do: toast-on-the-go. I make two pieces of toast with butter, put them in a small plastic bag and fill a sippy cup with water for him to eat in the car. Finally he’s down and Bridget is almost done with her medicine. I do my best to rush them through teeth brushing and getting shoes and jackets on. And at last they’re out the door and I draw a sigh of relief. This morning went pretty well and now I can relax and have my toast while reading the comics in peace and quiet.

Now I’m free until I need to go pick them up at three pm. Two days a week I do the kids’ laundry, usually on Mondays and Fridays. It never stops to amaze me how many clothes these kids go through per week.

At 2.30 pm it’s time for me to get in the car and drive to the kids’ school. It takes about twenty minutes to get there if traffic is good and normally it is. I try to be a bit early so I can find a good parking spot but it seems like everybody else is thinking the same thing. It won’t kill the kids to walk a block, although it might kill me to hear them complain about it.

While I sit outside Bridget’s classroom, waiting for her to come out, I read my book. I always bring a novel with me, no matter where I go, and here it really pays off. Bridget and Celina, her best friend, come running out and immediately ask if we can stay at the playground by the school. The weather is nice and we don’t have anything going on tonight so I agree, but we need to locate her brother first. We walk out of the 1-2 graders’ building and Kyle and his friend are waiting for us. Once by the playground they drop their things, run off and my book comes up again as I find a nice spot to sit and read.

Days like these are the best, if we stay here for awhile it means that I don’t have to come up with an activity for them at home and I get paid to relax. I still keep an eye on the kids and the clock. I don’t want to get in the middle of rush hour traffic and both Bridget and Kyle need to practice piano when we get back to the house. As it gets closer to 4.15 pm I decide it’s time to leave. Getting them to stop playing is always hard and I don’t really want to stop their fun, but we need to get home. Getting Bridget off the monkey bars is the hardest and it always ends with me saying that I’m leaving and if she wants a ride home she better come now or I’ll see her tomorrow. Naturally I would never do that, but she doesn’t know that and I will use that advantage on her.

While driving home I put on some music and the Feeties come out. I hate the Feeties with a burning passion. The Feeties are Bridget’s feet and they have a life of their own, they talk in a squeaky voice, they climb on the windows and they never listen. If she’s ever caught doing something she shouldn’t she blames it on the Feeties and it drives me nuts. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the Feeties that drew with a purple marker on the white rug or told Kyle she hated him but she swears it was. Ignoring the Feeties and all the noise in the backseat as best I can, which is a necessity while driving on I-5, I turn the volume up a tiny bit and hope the traffic will be good to us.

Arriving at the house I carry the jackets while Bridget and Kyle take their backpacks. Once inside the house they get a snack, I unpack their lunchboxes and then it’s time to do homework and practice piano. Kyle and I have had endless fights about the piano. He doesn’t want to practice and his parents want him to and they count on me to make him. Some days it’s tiring and completely fruitless and the only thing I’ve gotten out of it is a headache and wasting one hour nagging him. Other days he goes to the piano and practices for 45 minutes after I only ask him once. I wish he could find a middle. I’d be perfectly fine telling him three times if I never had one of the nagging days again. Bridget is better, but then again she gets less piano homework so it’s easier for her. Before they practice I ask about homework and whoever isn’t by the piano does their work. Kyle finishes practice just as we hear the garage open which means that my host parents are home and I can start relaxing again. They come in and I give them a play-by-play about the day. I ask if they need me to do anything, and disappear to my room for a few minutes of rest before dinner.

Dinner in this house can be insane. It all depends on which mood Bridget is in. If she is tired and grumpy you just want to eat as fast as possible and get out of there. Today is good and we sit and talk. I check with my host parents about the next day. Will they need me to take Bridget and Kyle to school in the morning? Are there any activities after school that I need to know about?

When dinner is done I help cleaning up a bit and then I go up to my room again. Unless I have class or I am meeting up with friends this is where I spend the main part of the night. I can’t wait to go home to Sweden and get a real job where I can go home after I’m done for the day, but for now my room is the perfect oasis. And that is perfectly fine with me.

I'm a screw up.
I tend to stick my head in the sand and not think about the things I should be thinking about and I always pay for it afterwards. funny this is I've been doing this for as long as I can remember and I still haven't learned from it. now that really makes you wonder what's wrong with me...

one of the bigger messes I've made is my education. at the time I didn't care, but now I do and I've decided to do something about that. or as it is, last week I decided and started e-mailing and checking who I need to talk with.
this is where another one of my bigger issues come in. I'm really good at making spur of the moment decisions and those I tend to follow through (no matter how stupid they are). if, however, I have time to think about it I get scared and the 'what ifs' have time to form in my head.
last Friday I knew who I needed to talk with and I was supposed to call her on Monday but when Monday came I decided to call her on Tuesday. on Tuesday time just flew away from me which meant calling on Wednesday and now I’m sitting here wondering where the heck the week went. *poof*

I need to find my spot and feel like I belong in this world again. I’ve been avoiding that for the past 16 months in Seattle, great months, wonderful experiences, but my motivation for going wasn’t all that noble.
but there will be no more avoiding and hiding.
tomorrow morning I'm calling the school and I'll do whatever I can to make things right.
I just hope I still have a shot at fixing it.

I’ve been home for almost two weeks now and as much as I like being back, it just doesn’t feel like home anymore. part of it could be the fact that I don’t have my own room anymore ~ I have my bed and dresser in the TV room upstairs ~

part of it is because I miss the kiddos like crazy, I thought I would enjoy the peace – but peace is pretty boring when you have too much of it.
they were so cute when I left. Kyle admitted that he would miss me and gave me a hug (getting that from a ten year old boy is like winning a medal in the Olympics). Bridget hugged me tight and told me to pay the car and stay with her instead.
need I say that it felt like crap leaving them? I truly hope I’ll stay in contact with them and will visit in a few years even though, as Bridget pointed out, they’ll be big by then.

and then there’s the part of me that misses Seattle and everybody there, I really thought I was done with it. you know, accepting the fact that I can’t be there and putting it behind me yada yada yada.
I thought I was over it but now it’s back again. I talked with Aimee yesterday, she’s back in Redmond after her vacation and hearing what’s going on with her and the group was great. she did tell me something which started the whole thought cycle over again. apparently Aimee and Tania had asked the boy how he was so ok hanging out with me when he knew I was leaving so soon and he told them: if you see a beautiful flower, then you will still pick it and watch it even though you know it will soon go away.
that just made me smile and the fact that he would tell them that made me quite gooey. he is so good with words and it really made me miss the whole group which in turn made my heart hurt a bit.
and since I don’t want to be one of those girls who bore her friends with confusing details about boys this will be the last you hear about it. I’ll mull it over it in my head until I’m over it and hope that one day I will find an equally sweet boy who’s hopefully as good with words.
I have one important criterion though: he needs to live on the same continent as me.

I'll be home in a week.

home.

for me that's a weird concept to grasp at the moment.

it's been forever ~ if forever translates into one year, four months and five days ~

and I know for sure that as soon as the new feelings are settled and I've gotten used to it again Sweden will drive me crazy and I will wonder "why didn't I stay in the US?"

then the voice of reason will pop in and say "cause you couldn't stay in the US. being an au pair drove you nuts, remember?"

and as much as I will miss it over here, I really won't miss the au pair bit of it. I will miss the kiddos and all the fun stuff we did together for sure. but dealing with cranky kids who aren't mine and always having to ask if it's ok to go out and meet my friends. not so much.

coming over here was great. I had total freedom to be whom ever I wanted to be. and I have been. a bunch of the change has happened gradually and some stuff landed *smack* *bam* in the middle of my face (not literally)

I have done some things I would never in a million years think I'd do and I've enjoyed it surprisingly much.

to name a few:

I went over here with my crazy stomach and I've dealt with it surprisingly well.

I’ve spent an entire evening in a short black dress, wearing 4” heels and pink bunny ears.

I decided to spend $700 to go to Las Vegas just a few short weeks before it was time.

when Sophie (one of my favourite Aussies) called me a whore it didn’t bother me – coming from her it’s an endearment.

I’ve found a new favourite sport, martial arts is the way to go and I’m looking forward to finding that at home.

I faced one of my biggest fears and took an acting class. the big surprise is that I really enjoyed it and didn’t mind playing Hamlet. a bunch of the exercises we did helped me become more comfortable with myself and I needed that.

I had a wonderful time camping - even though parts of it were stupid like you wouldn't believe.

the internal changes are there as well and I will do my best to keep them since they're good things.

I was insanely scared that I wouldn't find any friends here and that I would be stuck alone in the house all year which thankfully was not the case. I've made friendships which I hope will last the rest of my life.

I'm more confident and secure in my own skin and that's a nice feeling.

I might not end up as the crazy cat lady after all. and that's good to know ~ especially since cats scare me ~

so wow.

what a year (four months and five days) it has been.

would I do it again?

never.

but I wouldn't take it back either. no matter how shitty I've felt at times this has still been a great year with great experiences and I'm so happy I went through with it.

I'm on to my next adventure: trying to figure out how to be a normal Swedish girl again and it might not be as exciting as this year but that doesn't mean I won't do my best to enjoy it...

I suck!
what is wrong with me that I meet a guy I could quite possibly really like when I have to leave in two weeks. I don’t want to like him, but I can’t really help it at this point.

I met him while we were camping in Mora outside of Forks. yesterday night we met up again and went to Alki beach and watched the sunset and talked and it wasn’t awkward or anything, much to my relief. when he called today he said that he’d had a really bad day but he kept thinking about last night and considering I thought about it quite a bit today I’m so screwed.

I’m not made of stone, but where the hell did all my cynicism go? Where that person who thinks talk about stars is cheesy? who would rather die than go all gooey when he asked about my cold feet?
Where is miss Cynicism to remind me that he’s only in it for one thing like most navy guys are?

I need to stop this now otherwise I’m gonna get hurt, but I don’t want to. it feels good that, for once, someone sees me and not one of my gorgeous, smart, confident friends.

I’m slowly driving myself crazy and I know it.

I hardly recognize myself anymore. the girl who left Sweden over a year ago is no more. but I'm happy and I like the new me and I hope you will to...

this morning when I woke up I decided to look at the e-mail. the flutter in my stomach had subsided and it was time to see when I'm going home. I opened it and it's perfect. when I'm leaving and the time I arrive in Denmark. I was really scared about getting one of those crazy in-the-middle-of-the-night flights which are insanely inconvenient for everybody, especially those who are doing the drop off and pick up.
but for once Au Pair in America did well and for that I'm thankful.

so here it is: I leave from JFK on July 28th at 3.55 pm. I land in Frankfurt on July 29 at 5.30 am and at 8.05 am I hop on the plane to land in Copenhagen at 9.25 am on July 29

so that's it peoples. I'll be home on July 29th and will probably look like shit and be jetlagged and all, but it's still gonna be great!
I'm really looking forward to my layover in Frankfurt. it sounds insane I know, but I've been there once before and I love that airport - I just hope they have Starbucks there to help make me feel a bit more like a human :)

when I got home today and compulsively checked my e-mail there was a new one titled Fanny your Au Pair in America Flight is Booked!
and even though I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for this particular e-mail I can't bring myself to open it. it's been hours since I found it and I still haven't looked.

it’s becoming more and more real to me that I’m leaving soon and I only have three weekends left in Seattle and they are pretty much planned already.
this weekend I’m going to Forks, and will be camping on the beach which is starting to scare me since I was told theirs is a very real possibility that we will be visited by bears in the night. the weekend after that it’s 4th of July and even though I don’t have any plans yet I hope I’ll get a chance to go out. and then it’s my last weekend in Seattle which in my book means Improv and lots of it.
and then I’m done.
no more Seattle for me.
no more Barnes & Noble – boy will I miss that store. not just all the books, but the fact that if I want to I can bring a book and find a quiet place in the store, sit down on the floor and read. nobody will look funny at me or tell me to leave. the atmosphere is very much inviting to that sort of behavior and I love it.
no more Jet City Improv.
no more driving over the I-5 bridge and seeing Seattle’s skyline at night.
no more kiddos.
today I was hanging out with Bridget, and as we were walking in Northgate mall we were goofing around like we tend to do ~ I love that she's not embarrassed by that stuff :) ~ and she said to me: "I will miss you so much when you leave. who will I be crazy and goofy with now?" she also told me that I'm the best to hug since I'm so soft and squishy. is that a compliment or a subtle hint that I need to go on a diet?
she can be my worst enemy when she's grumpy and tired but all those other days when we just hang she's the best person in the world. and when she said that the thought of leaving made my heart break a bit.

my stomach is in knots and I feel slightly nauseous and I'm dying to find out if I get home in time to see Emil Jensen in Skillinge *crossing fingers* but I really don't want to leave my Seattle. not yet at least.

I wonder if anyone would get upset if I rearranged the world a little bit and put Washington State where the Baltic States are...

so here is the finished story. I like the beginning and the ending, but they don't fit together very well. once she got out in the forest the whole thing got another tone to it which doesn't really work that well. lets just say it's way easier for me to write quirky things that the dark tone which was needed for this story.
but like my teacher said: sometimes you need to do it, just to get it out of your system. then you can put it behind you and go for a better angle.

She woke up in total darkness. No streetlights or lights coming from the crack under the door. Strange she thought my room is never this dark. In fact that was one of the reasons she wanted to switch rooms with Andy, who could sleep no matter what. But Andy had stubbornly refused, her reason being she needed the bigger closet space.
Her hands made their way up to her face, felt their way over her cheeks and she touched her eyes just to check that they were in fact open. They were. As she sat there her mind became clearer and she became aware of a throbbing coming from the back of her head. As her right hand made its way over her hair still pulled back in the ponytail she’d made that morning she felt it become wet and sticky. “Oh crap” she muttered, quickly followed by “ouch” as her fingers reached the pretty impressive bump now residing at the back of her head. Just to make sure she put the hand to her mouth and confirmed that she felt blood on the bump.
She tried to swallow the lump of hopelessness and despair that formed in her chest. Knowing that if it made its way up her throat she would fall apart. And if she fell apart now she might as well give up the thought of ever getting out of there. She started to get mad. Mad at the situation she was in and mad at herself for wanting to give up without a fight. Where the hell was she and why was she sitting here, trying to hold her tears back when she should be in room snoozing away. She decided that whoever had done this would not get away with it and with that in mind she started to think of ways to get out of there.
She touched the wall behind her and with one hand on it and the other one hovering above her head she stood up. At least the room was tall enough for her to stand up straight. She turned to her right and started to take tiny baby steps following the wall. Her right hand still planted firmly on it and the other one in front of her for safety. It’s not like I’m in such a great place now, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna fall down a hole with snakes or anything like that she thought to herself. After what seemed like one hour of walking, the wall beside her ended abruptly under her fingers. She carefully put her left foot in front of her, relieved to find that the floor was still there. Her fingers, still on the wall, curled around it and she realized that she had reached a corner. Her left foot now went into that space and she fond the bottom of the stairs. She sighed of relief, finally some hope of getting out of there. As she started to climb said stairs she started thinking about what would be outside. Any place would be better than where she was now, but who knew where she would end up next. The stairs came to an end and she almost walked into the door that appeared in front of her.
She felt for the doorknob and when she found it she crossed her fingers and hoped that she would be lucky enough for the door to open. It did, and she walked right into a forest. The trees were huge, reaching up to the sky with tree beard hanging from the branches. The sun came down between them creating a drizzle of light. It looked like the trees belonged in a story about fairies and she half expected to see a unicorn. She had no clue where she was, this didn’t look familiar at all. There was nothing to do but start walking, but in which direction? Guess I’ll go with the old fail proofed ‘eeny, meeny, miny, moe’ she thought I might as well do that as start walking in a random direction.
“Eeny, meeny, miny, moe catch a tiger by the toe” she chanted. Once it was decided that left was the right direction she started walking. Walking in a forest by yourself can be scary she soon discovered. She heard all the small noises, noises which normally would not bother hear, but now filled her mind with thoughts of being followed. She couldn’t decide what would be worse, wild animals, humans or the fairytale creatures that seemed to live in the forest. She started walking faster not caring if she went in the wrong direction anymore. The forest that had seemed so welcoming a few minutes ago now seemed vast and threatening.
She glanced nervously around her and didn’t pay attention to where she put her feet anymore. She stumbled and fell. It should have been a short drop to the ground. But as her hands made contact with it, the vegetation gave away and she started falling. She bumped into branches and vines and scratched her arms and legs. Apart from they also helped slowing her down. She still had hope that the ground would come soon and she would be fine. Please, please, please, if I get out of this one I’ll be the best person ever, she promised. I won’t complain and I’ll go rescue puppies and stuff. But whoever was out there had other things to deal with that day or simply didn’t care. And instead of the nice soft grass ground she was hoping for she ran out of branches and vines and was now falling down an endless abyss. There was nothing she could do at this point so she closed her eyes and hoped that whenever she did land it wouldn’t hurt too much.

“Aaaahhhhhhh….”
Emily flew up to a sitting position, her heart going a million miles per hour. Almost as if on their own accord her hands went to the back of her head like they had earlier that night. Only this time there was no bump and no blood. She forced herself to take a deep breath in through her nose. She held it for a second and slowly let the air out through her mouth. She was sitting in her bed, in her own room and she had never been so happy to see the light coming in from the crack under the door.


this week I'm re-writing Snow White which should be a hoot :)
and probably way easier...

right now I kinda feel like my head will explode and I’m in desperate need of a bouncing board or whatever you call it. A, who I would normally talk to, is on her Alaska cruise which totally sucks. and it also made me realize how stinking alone I will be those weeks I will spend in Pennsylvania.

I’m sending in my request for Au Pair in America tomorrow and it will have July 28th as my departure date.
all I can think about now that I’ve made the decision when I will go home, depending on when I can get a flight, is that Pennsylvania will be lonely. It will be so lonely, I’ve said it on several occasions and it’s true that if you don’t have a social life as an au pair (or I guess as a human being in general) you’re screwed. all you will think about is getting out of there. I’ve been with this family for quite a while now and I still feel like that. and what makes it worse is that I will be in a new place where I wont know anyone or anything and I will be alone. I guess if I freak out to much I can ask if I can use the car at night and go to a Barnes & Noble since I have yet to find one where I don’t feel at home.

I’m not good at making up my mind about things and that tends to screw things up for me. so since I felt a bit unsure about when in July I wanted to go home and I didn’t have a “what am I gonna do with my life when I get back” plan I ended up promising that I would stay ‘til the end of it. I must say I felt a bit ambushed by my host parents. I need all the facts before I make my mind up and I also need some time mulling stuff over. pros and cons, you know. I thought they were gonna stay here until the end of July which is why I was ok staying here a couple of extra weeks. now that’s not gonna happen. and they needed help with the kids in the middle of July and they kept asking me about my plans and why I wanted to go home. all I could say was that it’s time, I kept repeating those words “it’s time”, which is stupid. I should have told them that I’m getting homesick and I can’t wait to go home and see everybody again and I don’t care that I don’t have a plan at the moment, I will figure it out. but I will do it on the other side of the huge ocean separating me from all the stuff I took for granted for so many years. I miss my forest. I miss the cities. I miss driving with gears (but considering my luck with cars lately I wouldn’t advise you to lend me yours). I miss just hanging out in the kitchen or the living room and not feel weird about it. I miss getting the last hug from my grandmother after every visit to her. I miss you, all the crazy wonderful people at home who will hopefully still be there when I get back even if I’ve been the shittiest friend. I suck at keeping in touch and I’m so sorry about that, I will do my best to make that up to you – I’m not sure how yet – but know that I love you guys anyway.

oh and I finished my story, it’s a crappy ending and it’s not what I wanted to do with it. but that’s what you get if you have a deadline. at some point I will probably rewrite the end of it and make it into what it was supposed to be in the first place (still not sure about that)
I will post the rest of it here tomorrow after I’ve proofread it a bunch of times.

I've been a really crappy blogger lately (if lately counts for about a year)
but now I'm writing and even if it's just to ask for a wee bit of help with my homework. I still think it should count and the minute I finish my short story there will be a looong post here I swear.
I'm taking a class which is called Writing for People with Real Lives and every week we need to bring something in for the workshop at the end of the class. I've started a piece but I have no idea where it will end and since the kiddos are no help for this one I thought I could ask you guys.

She woke up in total darkness. No streetlights or lights coming from the crack under the door. Strange, she thought, my room is never this dark. In fact that was one of the reasons she wanted to switch rooms with Andy who could sleep no matter what. But Andy had stubbornly refused, her reason being she needed the bigger closet space.
Her hands made their way up to her face, felt their way over her cheeks and she touched her eyes just to check that they were in fact open. They were.
As she sat there her mind became clearer and she became aware of a throbbing coming from the back of her head. As her right hand made its way over her hair still pulled back in the ponytail she’d made that morning she felt it become wet and sticky.
“Oh crap” she muttered, quickly followed by “ouch” as her fingers reached the pretty impressive bump now residing at the back of her head.
Just to make sure she put the hand to her mouth and confirmed that she felt blood on the bump. She tried to swallow the lump of hopelessness and despair that formed in her chest. Knowing that if it made its way up her throat she would fall apart. And if she fell apart now she might as well give up the thought of ever getting out of there. She started to get mad. Mad at the situation she was in and mad at herself for wanting to give up without a fight.
Where the hell was she and why was she sitting here, trying to hold her tears back when she should be in room snoozing away. She decided that whoever had done this would not get away with it and with in mind she started to think of ways to get up and out of there.
She touched the wall behind her and with one hand on it and the other one hovering above her head she stood up. At least the room was tall enough for her to stand up straight. She turned to her right and started to take tiny baby steps following the wall. Her right hand still planted firmly on it and the other one in front of her for safety. It’s not like I’m in such a great place now, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna fall down a hole with snakes or anything like that she thought to herself.

So here it is, all I ask is please do not mock too much. remember that this is the first draft and more detail will put into it, but it would be easier if I knew where it is going, if it's just a dream or if her dad is a Maffioso boss who owns someone money and they've kidnapped her for that reason.

according to the goal I set for my writing class, in a year from now I should have a notebook filled with short stories. now that it's out there I can't ignore it so when I look back - which I sometimes do - I will see this post and be reminded about it.
can't run away from it, can't hide from it. but that's the whole point :)
I'll do my best to fulfill that goal and just one day into it I've already started writing on a half-decent idea.
but I guess we'll see...

stupid expensive tickets. I can't afford to pay $50 for crappy seats when Paramore isn't even the main band playing.
stupid expensive tickets.

I want to stay longer.
Paramore is playing in Seattle on July 17th and I'm dying to go. the one problem is that I'm not sure if my host family are staying here that long. they might be in Pennsylvania at that point which would suck.
but I don't care. I'm gonna get my ticket and will cross my fingers that they will stay that long and if not then I'll figure something out. depending on how long it is. two days or three weeks. I'll either go home or maybe I can stay on someones floor for that time.
I don't know how it will work but I really badly want to go to that concert even if it means getting home a month later than I planned.

I hope you guys can forgive me and my egotistical ways...

I just finished reading Briar Rose by Jane Yolen, and oh my was that a powerful book.
it combined Sleeping Beauty with the Second World War in quite an amazing way. but as good as the book was parts of me wish I had waited and not read it while waiting for the kiddos at their school (which is my main reading time). when it came to the second half of the story, where they got into the Holocaust and everything that happened there, reading that bit by the playground felt a bit surreal. I was stuck in two different times and emotions at once, and those two were as far apart from each other as anything could ever be.

I know we should never ever be allowed to forget what happened, but reading the book brought me right back to the fieldtrip to Berlin and the concentration camp. and that in turn brought back the same feeling I had walking around there. a huge lump resides in my stomach and I don’t have much hope for the human kind when we prove time and time again that we can do these unspeakable evils. I wish someone could tell me that this is just temporary, that humans will evolve enough to never do the same mistakes again and I wish I could believe that.

maybe life is like they say in the book “It ends happily, you know, even though it’s awfully sad along the way.”

yesterday I had the Jeet Kune Du class again. and as awesome that it was last week, this time I was a bit grossed out.

why you might wonder.
this week I learned how to knee someone. apparently you’re supposed to - and I quote my teacher - “aim to go through the abdominal soft tissue right to the spine”
how gross is that??
the good thing is that now I know how to really knee someone :)
after that part we got the knives.
let me repeat that:

knives.

I guess sticks aren’t threatening enough…
so we learned how to gut someone, which might be a good thing to know if I ever get into a street fight - but I still think that running might be the best option.

and a fun fact: the reason for long knives with a wavy blade is that you only have to cut once to get to the bone instead of sawing back and forth. bet you didn’t know that before. well neither did I...

but the best part of the class was the hot Asian guy.
he was grouped with Aimee and me during the kneeing part and he was funny, sweet and totally hot. at the end of class we were both drooling...

next week's mission is to find out his name.

after I stick my head in the sand and while it’s still there my logical side comes out. I need a plan B. and I need it now. don’t get me wrong I’m still all panicky and there’s a good chance I’ll cry again, but if I know what to do when things fall apart here there's a possibility that I might come out on the other side alive.

~ there will be no more shopping (maybe if I find a really good gift for someone at home - but that's it)
~ I will start going through my stuff and start to divide it up into stuff I want to send home, stuff that I'll throw out and what I want to put in my carry on when I go home
~ I will start sending stuff home - I'll try to send one package every week for the next month (depending on how expensive it it
~ I will start saving my money incase my bags are overweight or something else goes wrong -basically everything that the post office don't take and another $20 as spending money each week will stay in my account
~I need to find stuff to do on weekends so I'll stop hiding in my room - maybe go over to Jo's (M's old host family) once in a while

it's sad but I just realized who much money matters. I knew that it makes life easier but I never thought that my happiness (and my sanity) would be that dependant on it.
now that sucks.

the absolute worst part of this situation is that I'm stuck in a place far from home and I have no options here. I really don't since I wasn't smart enough to save my salary.
and aslo, I'm totally in the hands of someone else and that scares me to death.

note to self: never ever live with your employer ever again. it's not a good idea.

I'm ready to go home.
things are shit.

true - it might be my own fault, but still. I would have screwed up badly sooner or later – it’s what I do.

I can't breathe anymore, I have a constant stomach ache and nausea. and I don't know how to fix it.
every time I drive the car I think about crashing it as a way to get out of here – which would probably just make things worse, right? I would just end up hurting someone else and that would be bad.

if I could go home I would in a heartbeat, but I don’t have the money for it.
why haven’t I’ve been saving up?

I’m so stupid!

I wanna call my mom, but hey! she can’t do anything anyway and also it’s 5am there right now. I so badly need a hug from someone who still loves me.

cause you do?

right?

the first post of the year was supposed to be something profound about the new possibilities of the year or something. but I’ve got something better to write:
yesterday I got to fight with sticks and I learned how to break someone’s thumb.

how cool is that?!
the classes I signed up for started last week, but since Aimee was in California I was too big of a wuss to go to the class which teaches us Bruce Lee's Jeet Kune Do Concepts. when we arrived there yesterday I was happy for that.
first of all we were about five minutes late, finding the right building took a little while, and when we came through the door we were met with a group of big dudes doing push ups. a second later they were jogging in one place again. we were stunned and the only girls in this class. could we be more out of place?
we waved a quick hello to the instructor and found our spot on the floor. me and Aimee looked at the very muscular, tattooed guys and at each other. what the heck were we doing here?
when the instructor told us to do 20 push ups I went down on the floor and did five (?) and asked her just that. I also told her to never ever ever leave me alone in that room.
once the warm up was over and we signed in the real stuff began. we got the pads and started to learn different boxing (in lack of a better word) combinations, they threw in ducking and kicking as we went along.
even though it took me a while to get some of the combinations it was surprisingly fun, partly because we would break into fits of giggling while trying to look tough and like we wanted to kill the other person (the fact that I started to sing a long to Hey Jude didn't really help the situation).
I don't think anyone was annoyed with us, though. the instructors made a comment about how that was the fun corner, but they were really sweet to us and came over to show us how it was supposed to look.
after a small break we started using sticks. we each grabbed two bamboo sticks each, and again it was all about different combinations. the instructors were pretty smart - they sent one guy over to us and he stayed in our corner for the whole second hour. we obviously had no clue what we were doing. he was great. he helped us get it right and didn't get mad when I messed up five times in a row. we learned how to counteract an attack and this is when
*drum roll*
they showed how you easily can break someone's thumb - just make sure the person in question is holding a bamboo stick first :)

it was a long time since I had so much fun and the class I dreaded the most has easily become my favourite part of the week. once I get back home I'm going to find another class like this and go. anybody who wants to come with me?