right now I kinda feel like my head will explode and I’m in desperate need of a bouncing board or whatever you call it. A, who I would normally talk to, is on her Alaska cruise which totally sucks. and it also made me realize how stinking alone I will be those weeks I will spend in Pennsylvania.

I’m sending in my request for Au Pair in America tomorrow and it will have July 28th as my departure date.
all I can think about now that I’ve made the decision when I will go home, depending on when I can get a flight, is that Pennsylvania will be lonely. It will be so lonely, I’ve said it on several occasions and it’s true that if you don’t have a social life as an au pair (or I guess as a human being in general) you’re screwed. all you will think about is getting out of there. I’ve been with this family for quite a while now and I still feel like that. and what makes it worse is that I will be in a new place where I wont know anyone or anything and I will be alone. I guess if I freak out to much I can ask if I can use the car at night and go to a Barnes & Noble since I have yet to find one where I don’t feel at home.

I’m not good at making up my mind about things and that tends to screw things up for me. so since I felt a bit unsure about when in July I wanted to go home and I didn’t have a “what am I gonna do with my life when I get back” plan I ended up promising that I would stay ‘til the end of it. I must say I felt a bit ambushed by my host parents. I need all the facts before I make my mind up and I also need some time mulling stuff over. pros and cons, you know. I thought they were gonna stay here until the end of July which is why I was ok staying here a couple of extra weeks. now that’s not gonna happen. and they needed help with the kids in the middle of July and they kept asking me about my plans and why I wanted to go home. all I could say was that it’s time, I kept repeating those words “it’s time”, which is stupid. I should have told them that I’m getting homesick and I can’t wait to go home and see everybody again and I don’t care that I don’t have a plan at the moment, I will figure it out. but I will do it on the other side of the huge ocean separating me from all the stuff I took for granted for so many years. I miss my forest. I miss the cities. I miss driving with gears (but considering my luck with cars lately I wouldn’t advise you to lend me yours). I miss just hanging out in the kitchen or the living room and not feel weird about it. I miss getting the last hug from my grandmother after every visit to her. I miss you, all the crazy wonderful people at home who will hopefully still be there when I get back even if I’ve been the shittiest friend. I suck at keeping in touch and I’m so sorry about that, I will do my best to make that up to you – I’m not sure how yet – but know that I love you guys anyway.

oh and I finished my story, it’s a crappy ending and it’s not what I wanted to do with it. but that’s what you get if you have a deadline. at some point I will probably rewrite the end of it and make it into what it was supposed to be in the first place (still not sure about that)
I will post the rest of it here tomorrow after I’ve proofread it a bunch of times.

I've been a really crappy blogger lately (if lately counts for about a year)
but now I'm writing and even if it's just to ask for a wee bit of help with my homework. I still think it should count and the minute I finish my short story there will be a looong post here I swear.
I'm taking a class which is called Writing for People with Real Lives and every week we need to bring something in for the workshop at the end of the class. I've started a piece but I have no idea where it will end and since the kiddos are no help for this one I thought I could ask you guys.

She woke up in total darkness. No streetlights or lights coming from the crack under the door. Strange, she thought, my room is never this dark. In fact that was one of the reasons she wanted to switch rooms with Andy who could sleep no matter what. But Andy had stubbornly refused, her reason being she needed the bigger closet space.
Her hands made their way up to her face, felt their way over her cheeks and she touched her eyes just to check that they were in fact open. They were.
As she sat there her mind became clearer and she became aware of a throbbing coming from the back of her head. As her right hand made its way over her hair still pulled back in the ponytail she’d made that morning she felt it become wet and sticky.
“Oh crap” she muttered, quickly followed by “ouch” as her fingers reached the pretty impressive bump now residing at the back of her head.
Just to make sure she put the hand to her mouth and confirmed that she felt blood on the bump. She tried to swallow the lump of hopelessness and despair that formed in her chest. Knowing that if it made its way up her throat she would fall apart. And if she fell apart now she might as well give up the thought of ever getting out of there. She started to get mad. Mad at the situation she was in and mad at herself for wanting to give up without a fight.
Where the hell was she and why was she sitting here, trying to hold her tears back when she should be in room snoozing away. She decided that whoever had done this would not get away with it and with in mind she started to think of ways to get up and out of there.
She touched the wall behind her and with one hand on it and the other one hovering above her head she stood up. At least the room was tall enough for her to stand up straight. She turned to her right and started to take tiny baby steps following the wall. Her right hand still planted firmly on it and the other one in front of her for safety. It’s not like I’m in such a great place now, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna fall down a hole with snakes or anything like that she thought to herself.

So here it is, all I ask is please do not mock too much. remember that this is the first draft and more detail will put into it, but it would be easier if I knew where it is going, if it's just a dream or if her dad is a Maffioso boss who owns someone money and they've kidnapped her for that reason.

according to the goal I set for my writing class, in a year from now I should have a notebook filled with short stories. now that it's out there I can't ignore it so when I look back - which I sometimes do - I will see this post and be reminded about it.
can't run away from it, can't hide from it. but that's the whole point :)
I'll do my best to fulfill that goal and just one day into it I've already started writing on a half-decent idea.
but I guess we'll see...

stupid expensive tickets. I can't afford to pay $50 for crappy seats when Paramore isn't even the main band playing.
stupid expensive tickets.

I want to stay longer.
Paramore is playing in Seattle on July 17th and I'm dying to go. the one problem is that I'm not sure if my host family are staying here that long. they might be in Pennsylvania at that point which would suck.
but I don't care. I'm gonna get my ticket and will cross my fingers that they will stay that long and if not then I'll figure something out. depending on how long it is. two days or three weeks. I'll either go home or maybe I can stay on someones floor for that time.
I don't know how it will work but I really badly want to go to that concert even if it means getting home a month later than I planned.

I hope you guys can forgive me and my egotistical ways...