right now I kinda feel like my head will explode and I’m in desperate need of a bouncing board or whatever you call it. A, who I would normally talk to, is on her Alaska cruise which totally sucks. and it also made me realize how stinking alone I will be those weeks I will spend in Pennsylvania.

I’m sending in my request for Au Pair in America tomorrow and it will have July 28th as my departure date.
all I can think about now that I’ve made the decision when I will go home, depending on when I can get a flight, is that Pennsylvania will be lonely. It will be so lonely, I’ve said it on several occasions and it’s true that if you don’t have a social life as an au pair (or I guess as a human being in general) you’re screwed. all you will think about is getting out of there. I’ve been with this family for quite a while now and I still feel like that. and what makes it worse is that I will be in a new place where I wont know anyone or anything and I will be alone. I guess if I freak out to much I can ask if I can use the car at night and go to a Barnes & Noble since I have yet to find one where I don’t feel at home.

I’m not good at making up my mind about things and that tends to screw things up for me. so since I felt a bit unsure about when in July I wanted to go home and I didn’t have a “what am I gonna do with my life when I get back” plan I ended up promising that I would stay ‘til the end of it. I must say I felt a bit ambushed by my host parents. I need all the facts before I make my mind up and I also need some time mulling stuff over. pros and cons, you know. I thought they were gonna stay here until the end of July which is why I was ok staying here a couple of extra weeks. now that’s not gonna happen. and they needed help with the kids in the middle of July and they kept asking me about my plans and why I wanted to go home. all I could say was that it’s time, I kept repeating those words “it’s time”, which is stupid. I should have told them that I’m getting homesick and I can’t wait to go home and see everybody again and I don’t care that I don’t have a plan at the moment, I will figure it out. but I will do it on the other side of the huge ocean separating me from all the stuff I took for granted for so many years. I miss my forest. I miss the cities. I miss driving with gears (but considering my luck with cars lately I wouldn’t advise you to lend me yours). I miss just hanging out in the kitchen or the living room and not feel weird about it. I miss getting the last hug from my grandmother after every visit to her. I miss you, all the crazy wonderful people at home who will hopefully still be there when I get back even if I’ve been the shittiest friend. I suck at keeping in touch and I’m so sorry about that, I will do my best to make that up to you – I’m not sure how yet – but know that I love you guys anyway.

oh and I finished my story, it’s a crappy ending and it’s not what I wanted to do with it. but that’s what you get if you have a deadline. at some point I will probably rewrite the end of it and make it into what it was supposed to be in the first place (still not sure about that)
I will post the rest of it here tomorrow after I’ve proofread it a bunch of times.