I was originally going to write about how I felt that the teachers at Ringsjö had lost the magic. the thrill of teaching. educating the brilliant young minds of our future. yada yada yada.
since then I've come to realize that these minds are not so much brilliant as diabolical.

this past week has been one of the worst in my life. the kids ignored everything I said and, among other things, buildt a fort out of the benches in the classroom. I couldn't even throw them out because they didn't listen to a thing I said. I've never felt so powerless before and I'm seriously questioning my capability to be a teacher. I know part of it is my own fault. I need to have more authority when I'm in the classroom.

maybe I will find some of the confidence I need in the US. I really hope so otherwise I'll be in for a rough ride.

guess I'm not going after all.
I just recieved an e-mail from a childcare reference where she said she couldn't do it.
and since this was the one thing I needed to complete my application I guess I'm done.
no au pair in the US for me.
I knew I shouldn't have started that packing list and looking forward to it as much as I did.
things don't always go the way you plan I got that right.
now I need to wallow and find a new dream. just so I can watch it get shot down too? no thanks. wallowing it is then. I'm just going to put on the music of pain (not country) Silverchair's Diorama.
see you in a decade or two when I'm done.

au pair.
that’s what I hope to be next year. and I’m writing hope because I don’t know if anyone will pick me. when it comes to things like these, important potentially life altering things I really wish for, I’m as pessimistic as a person can be. ~ the night before I found out I was accepted to Mah for the studies to become an English teacher I dreamt that I didn’t make it. when my mother called me the next day, I was in Kopasker in Iceland, I didn’t quite believe it at first ~ and despite the great character references I’ve got (still waiting for one ;) I keep thinking who would pick me when there are many other girls to pick from, girls who probably have much more experience of children than me.

but after meeting Lovisa yesterday, and of course the ever so lovely Allison, I’m much more confident. she was an au pair about two years ago, which is how she ended up with Allison, and she gave me some great advice. including shops I need to visit: Payless Shoes, TJ Max, Target and Mandee. and now I’m starting to think that maybe someone will pick me, but I still daren’t get my hopes up because I don’t want to be crushed if it doesn’t pan out

but lets face it. the packing list is starting to form in my head

I’ve just finished the cleaning of the century. at least for me. I cleaned with a ferocity my room has never known. It was quite fun to tell the truth. I found things I forgot I had.
including:
a root beer can from the Berlin trip in twelfth grade.
three copies of Black Beauty by Anna Sewell – all of which I’m keeping
an old Beatles calendar – unused
a large set of spillikins (*plockepin*) – I forgot how fun that is to play with 50 cm sticks
the lost eye of my hybrid teddy, a hippo with a pouch - hipporoo?
books which I borrowed from a friend about ten years ago
11.92 €
old photographs and attempted art work made by yours truly

and even though I didn’t keep all this stuff, but most of it, it was fun to see all the things I saved. it must have meant something to me at one point of my life. I hope that the next time I do this, in twenty years?, I won’t be so grownup that I only see crap, but all the treasure that lies within said crap.

oh. what about the things I thought I’d find but didn’t. where did that stuff go? fairies and tiny trolls maybe?

last week I was on the second on-campus session with my course and we did a thing called a freewrite. you have a limited period of time (we had five minutes) where you write anything that pops into your brain. Darius told us that this type of exercise is good when you’re stuck and even though 90% might be unusable there is always something which is worth pursuing. and when the time was up we had to find that part. we were then divided into eight groups and we had to make our bits and pieces into a whole thing. and I give you the result:

a moment of great disappointment
She was crushed, her life was over. These godawful speciments from an alien lifeform that she would never be able to understand. Her friends were trying to keep her mind off it. Why did he have to spend all his money on that stupid new car? When she had asked him about it, he had answered:

"I like to drive and have my own car, it makes me feel free".

Sad, isn't it?

I hope you can't tell which part is mine :)